Advice
by swimhard2787
Summary: What is a Knight Captain to do when someone's spying on her?  Call on Sand and Neeshka for help, of course!  A humorous oneshot, alternate universe.


_Author's note: this is just a humorous little one-shot I did to pass the time, so enjoy!_

"Saaaaaaand! Please, I'm _begging_ you!"

The moon elf sighed. "Dear girl, why do you need me?"

"Because you're the only one in the keep who can cast a decent paralyzation spell; besides, you're the only one in this damn Keep I can carry an intelligent conversation with." _Compliments can't hurt me here_.

Sand gave me a look; eyeing me suspiciously through those big, pale blue eyes. "I don't know what you'd want with my spell; you're an assassin, you can't cast spells anyway."

I threw up my hands in frustration. "Then make a wand with a few charges, I'm desperate here!"

"You still haven't told me _why _you need the bloody thing."

It was my turn to sigh. _Do I share something this embarrassing, but have the guarantee he'll help me, or do I lie? _I gave myself a mental slap. _Might as well tell the truth, I'm sure he could smell me lying a mile away, damn elf sense of smell._

"Fine, Sand, I need it for when I'm bathing on the road."

Sand gave me a look of disgust. "If you need the wand for _that_, why waste good charges? I can just give you a blank one."

I dropped my mouth in surprise. "Um, err, ah, that's not what it's for, Sand," I stuttered. "Someone's been watching me bathe, I can hear the bushes rustling nearby, but I can't seem to catch the bugger doing it. I know it's probably Bishop, but I just want to find out for sure."

"My dear girl, if you think it's the ranger, why do you care?"

_Sleeping with Bishop had proven to be one of my more widely-known exploits. Not that I regretted it, I just regretted Neeshka not being able to keep her drunken mouth shut._

"I just want to know; I'd think Bishop would at least show himself, seeing as how…umm, it's nothing new to him, (Sand rolled his eyes) but I still want to know. It's bugging the living Hells out of me! Please, whatever you want from me, I'll do it."

Sand chuckled. "Is that how you ended up in Bishop's bed, my dear girl?"

I gritted my teeth. "Will you help me, or not?"

The wizard stared at me for a long while, softly padding around me in a circle, looking me over. I blushed. "Err, Sand? Why are you looking at me like that?" He snorted. "Please, girl, you're _far_ more than I can handle, and judging by the strength of the ointment Bishop had me make the morning after I'd say you were almost too much for _him_." My blush deepened.

"No, I just need your assistance in an experiment. Nothing dangerous," he said, after I'd made a noise of protest, "I was inspired by Sydney's Animus Elemental and wish to try it myself. Allow me a bit of your hair, and permit me to try it on your form, and we have a deal."

I nodded, relieved. "That's fine, Sand, how much hair?" He smiled. "Only a few strands…but I'll need a bigger workspace." _Ah, there's that catch I was looking for._ I thought for a moment. "Want to use Ammon's summoning circle? I can convince him to let you use it for your experiment."

Sand's smile widened. "That would be _lovely_, my dear girl. Come back in a couple days, I'll have your wand for you. And, ah, no thanks are needed, it would just be embarrassing." I smiled, gave him a little half-bow and exited.

Two days, six strands of elbow-length hair, and one shouting match with Ammon Jerro that caused Kistrel to run to the stables in fright later, Sand was merrily working on his Animus Elemental and I had my wand.

Granted, I'm far from modest; my armor is cut in a manner that really leaves little to the imagination. But I'll be damned if I'm going to be ogled while I'm supposed to be doing something personal and private! I don't care if I'm stared at while walking down the streets of Neverwinter; in all honesty I'll probably wink or something like that. It's just when I'm bathing…and I can't figure out who in the Hells it is.

I'd come up with a plan to catch the voyeur in the act, and I had to head down to Highcliff and deal with the Lizardmen anyway, so I called Neeshka and Sand in the night before we left to ask for their help.

"Dear girl, you've already asked a lot of me, why do you need me to do this, as well?"

I shook my head. "Because, Sand, I think the reason I've not been able to see whoever's doing this is because they're invisible. I can't reverse it, so I need your talents one more time." _Ego-stroking always works with him, it's almost sad_.

A smug grin flitted across Sand's face. "On that, my dear girl, you are correct. Alright, I'll be nearby, call me when the deed is done." As the elf departed, I turned to the tiefling.

Neeshka was my best friend here; a fellow rogue was always a welcome companion on the road. We'd gotten each other out of a fair few scrapes; now she owed me for drunkenly telling the whole Keep the ranger and I had slept together. She owed me _more_ for the hour-long lecture I got from Nevalle on "Knight Captain-appropriate behavior (Nevalle-speak for 'don't sleep around')," with bits of "keeping up appearances (Nevalle-speak for 'if you're going to sleep around, at least sleep with someone of a decent social states,' i.e., _him_)" and "your sex life shouldn't be broadcast throughout the Keep (Nevalle-speak for, well, pretty much that)" thrown in.

"Alright, Neeshka, since I'll be, well, _bathing_, I'm going to need you to be hidden nearby with the wand. When you hear the rustling, and I give you the signal, I want you to blast it, okay?"

She smiled greedily. "Oooh, I can't _wait_ to see who it is. The suspense alone is enough for me!" I laughed. "Well, you're not the one getting ogled. So, please, try to keep quiet, okay?" She nodded and left; I sighed and heard a movement in the corner of my room. I rolled my eyes. "How long have you been there, Bishop?"

The handsome ranger stepped from the shadows into the dim candlelight, smirking. "Just long enough to hear about the problems you're having while bathing. Don't worry, it's not me. I got to see it in person," he said, smiling suggestively.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Yes, someone is spying on me. I just want to know who, is all."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you want someone else to help you, I'll be happy to stand guard in the shadows."

I put my hands on my hips. "_You_ only want to help because you'll get a free chance to see me naked."

Bishop shrugged. "You don't trust me to do this out of the goodness of my heart? I'm _hurt._ Besides, I don't have to sneak around to see your body, Cari," he said softly, stepping towards me. My heart started racing as his callused hand brushed my cheek.

I smirked. "I promise I'll be less aggressive; no more ointments from Sand."

He smiled. "Thanks, I was sore for a week," he murmured, leaning in and kissing me.

We ended up in bed again; that man could do amazing things I'd never even _heard_ of before, and I'm, well, _me_. As he lay sleeping beside me, I mentally prepared myself for the new lecture from Nevalle this was bound to bring.

The following morning, most of my band of misfits left for Highcliff; even Ammon left with little fuss. I left Qara, Elanee and Zhjaeve at the Keep. I gave a little side smile to Neeshka; I'd given her the wand this morning and she was itching to use it. I'd traveled from the Keep to Highcliff so many times I had a favorite place to bathe, and I planned on going there after we set up camp for the night. Neeshka was going to be hidden behind the big oak tree near the bank, and we'd planned on allowing Bishop to be behind a big boulder nearby. We'd call Sand when Neeshka had gotten whoever it was.

We traveled most of the day; once dusk was upon us we set up camp a good walk away from my favorite pool. I gave a slight signal to both Bishop and Neeshka and they melted into the shadows as I told the group I was going to wash up.

I reached the pool, looking around as I stripped off my leathers and linens and stepped into the cool water. I heard Bishop shift a little behind the boulder; I smirked as I saw his wolf-like eyes glinting in the darkness, watching me. I started to wash up, and about ten minutes in I heard the familiar rustling in a bush nearby. I waited until the noise stopped, then turned to Neeshka and shouted "Now!"

The tiefling burst from behind her tree, blasting the wand in the direction of the bushes. Bishop gracefully stepped out from behind his boulder and cast Entangle, tying the offender to the ground, in case Neeshka had missed. "SAND!" I yelled as I threw on my tunic and went over to the bushes. I could feel a body lying there but I couldn't see it.

It wasn't long until I heard Sand crunching the leaves beneath his boots; he stopped just short of where Bishop, Neeshka and I stood and started laughing. _Apparently, true seeing works on this too_. I rolled my eyes. "What's so funny, Sand?"

The moon elf was doubled over, clutching his sides as he looked at what the three of us couldn't see. "Sand, could you please stop laughing long enough to share with the rest of us what's so funny?" He took several deep breaths and straightened up, clearing his throat. "Well, my dear girl, _this_ will take some explaining," he said quietly as he muttered the spell to remove invisibility.

I choked as Sand revealed not one, not two, but three bodies. Well, two and a half, technically, as Grobnar _is_ only a gnome. But it was the fact that we'd caught not only Grobnar, but Casavir and of all people _Ammon Jerro_ in our little trap. Casavir was blushing like I'd never seen a paladin blush before. I heard a crash and looked over; Bishop had fallen over from laughing so hard. Neeshka was leaning on a tree to save herself from the same fate.

I stared down at the three of them, and for the first time in as long as I could remember I was speechless. "Well, now I know why I haven't found them, Ammon, you were casting your invisibility!" The warlock glared up at me; his tattoos glowing in the darkness. I sighed. "Alright, let's get back to camp. You three owe me an explanation."

We walked in silence back to the camp, the ranger still chuckling to himself occasionally. I sat down on one side of the fire and gestured for the three men to sit opposite me. Neeshka and Sand sat on a log behind me, Bishop beside me. I put my elbow on my thigh and my chin on my hand and looked at the three across from me. "Explain."

Casavir blushed even redder; _it's a wonder his whole head didn't explode_. "My sincerest apologies my lady, this…wasn't what it looked like."

I raised an eyebrow. "Okay, right. What was it then? And who has it been the last ten times I've bathed?"

Grobnar gave me a big, rather vacant, grin. "Well, Mistress Carianna, when I heard Neeshka talking about your exploits with Sir Bishop here," I threw the look of death at the tiefling; who shrunk in her seat, "I realized, I had _no_ idea what she was talking about! So I went to Sir Casavir here, and asked him what Neeshka had meant by-"

Casavir clamped a hand over Grobnar's mouth. He cleared his throat. "My lady, he asked me some questions about what Neeshka had, _disclosed_, and I realized I didn't know either."

"So, with nowhere else to turn, they both came to me," Ammon growled. "I must not have been the _only _one in that keep with experience, but apparently they couldn't come to anyone else about it. So, I tried to explain the situation…"

I buried my face in my hands as Bishop fell over laughing again. "Okay, so, Ammon, you've been giving the paladin and the gnome…_sex advice?_"

The warlock scowled. "Well, if I recall, I _am_ the only one here who ever married and raised a family."

I groaned. "So, WHY did that involve spying on me naked?"

Ammon shrugged. "Well, I didn't have any pictures, so…" I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. "You used me as a live diagram?"

Grobnar nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, we did, Mistress Carianna. We've been sneaking out for the past two weeks when you've been bathing so Ammon could show us the parts of the female body and what to do with each. For example, do you know if you stick your finger-?"

It was the warlock's turn to silence the gnome. I groaned again as both Neeshka and Sand fell off the log, crying from laughing so hard. "Err, yes, Cari, my apologies for the breach of your privacy, but…a live example is worth a hundred diagrams."

"Ever the practical one, Ammon," I said sarcastically.

Bishop snorted. "You know," he drawled, "you could have come to me, I know the Knight Captain here pretty well…" I smacked him.

"Thank you for the offer, Bishop, but I'd sooner throw myself off a cliff than ask you for sex advice," Casavir said sourly. "I know your advice would come with multiple comments on my paladinhood, and it's just something I didn't want to deal with."

The ranger smirked. "Well, yes, but I'm sure I could have given you some pretty _good_ advice."

The gnome smiled. "Thank you, Sir Bishop, but I don't think your methods with women were quite what I was looking for. What was it you said, Sir Ammon? 'There's a difference between 'making love' and…and…you said it was doing something like 'wolves in heat''? It started with an f…" Neeshka snorted as Casavir blanched; _I didn't think it was physically possible to be blushing that badly and still have blood flowing to the rest of your body_. The ranger glared as the warlock looked shocked. "Well, yes, but-"

I silenced him with my hand. "Please, I think I've heard enough. Ammon, feel free to give as much advice as you want, but please, _ask_ next time if you want to use me as an example. Now, I really need some sleep, so goodnight, all." I groaned in disbelief as I rose from the ground and grabbed my pack.

I shook my head as I set up my bedroll; I jumped as a long-fingered hand grabbed my arm. I turned and found myself chest-to-face with Sand. I sat down and gestured for him to sit as well; he hitched up his robes and twisted himself into a lotus-position beside me.

"What're you smirking at, Sand?" He shook his head. "Well, in all my 400-plus years on this plane, I think I've finally seen one I never saw before." I gave him a look, he just chuckled. "You know, I'm at a loss of how I'm going to put _this _one into my report to Nevalle…he'd probably want a private showing just to see if I were telling the truth…"

I rolled my eyes and shoved the moon elf off my bedroll; he smirked as he walked over to his own. I lay back and yanked my blanket over me, smiling as I heard Bishop setting his up his bedroll next to mine. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help but wonder…_How _will_ Sand explain this one to Nevalle?_

_And what kind of lecture am I going to get for _this _one?_


End file.
